REVIEW: “The Bank Job”

YES so I booked my own passage aboard the Failship. (Can I be the bosun? I always liked saying “bosun”…) My excuse is: I have one day a week when I’m not in grad school or at work. Life has a tendency to get in the way.

But now that I am back for the moment, let me speak of The Bank Job, a gloriously stupid heist flick that has two things immediately going for it:

1) It has Jason Statham in it

2) It is the only DVD I have ever seen that does not have a synopsis of the actual movie on the case….anywhere. Seriously! No summary on the back. No tagline. No nothing that lets you know what this movie is actually about. Although to be fair, if you’re renting a Jason Statham movie you kind of know what you’re in for. I love the man dearly, but it’s not like he does the works of Marlowe between shoot-em-up action flicks.

In lieu of a proper review, the following is how I imagine the pitch for The Bank Job went:

INT.

PRODUCER: Right, so’s we got a movie here right?

SYCOPHANT #1: YEAAAAAH!!!

SYCOPHANT #2: It’s gonna RAWWWWK!

PRODUCER: Yeah, yeah, totally! We’ve got Jason Statham, and he’s robbin’ ‘imself a bank, and Saffron Burrows is in it, and…well yeah , she don’t flash ‘er tits, but we got plenty of other girls in it who do! It’s awesome! And…yes, Roger?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: I just…well, I got a couple concerns, here, honestly..

(Collective SIGH from table)

PRODUCER: Yes, Roger?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Like, this part here, where Jason’s kickboxin’ these blokes?

SYCOPHANT #2: It RAAAWWWKS!!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Well, yes, I agree, it’s just…

PRODUCER: Yes, Roger?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: My name’s Edward, actually– anyway, I’m just sayin’…I mean, it’s in what, 1973? And he’s like this workin’ class bloke who owns a mechanic’s shop, yeah?

PRODUCER: And…?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: I mean. just…where exactly would a workin’ class mechanic in 1973 learn kickboxin’ an’ all?

(Collective SIGH)

PRODUCER: Billy– can I call ya Billy?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Well, my name is Edward…

PRODUCER: Listen…you’ve never worked on a Jason Statham movie before, ‘ave ya?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Well…

PRODUCER: Cos this is jus’ how it is– if you hire Jason fuckin’ Statham, you are damn well gonna have him kickboxin’ someone. That’s jus’ how it’s gotta be.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT …but…

PRODUCER: That’s just how it’s gotta be.

SYCOPHANT #1: YEEEEAAAAH!!!

SYCOPHANT #2: It RAAAWWWWKS!!!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: May I– listen, this one last bit…

(Collective SIGH)

PRODUCER: YES, Carl?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Edward. Anyway, after the gang all break into the bank? Y’know, the bank with millions of Pounds and jewlery and God knows what else locked up inside? And they’ve busted through the wall and they’re totally safe and…

PRODUCER: Yeeeees?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: …and they all decide to take a nap?

SYCHOPHANT #1: YEEEEEEEAAAAHH!!

PRODUCER: Shuddit. Listen, Frankie–

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Edward.

PRODUCER: Whatever. Listen, we need that scene, see? It sets up the whole love triangle…affair…coersion…whatever the Hell it means were we gotta have Jason and Saffron get it on.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: …but she doesn’t even show her tits.

PRODUCER: Ah-HAH! NOW you’re starting to think like a PRO, Philly!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Edward.

PRODUCER: Whatever.

SYCOPHANT #2: IT RAAAWWWWWKKS!!!

SYCOPHANT #1: YEEAAAAH!!!!