Pre-Review: The Expendables

Posted: July 13, 2010 by V in Review
Tags: ,

Okay, I know I’ve made some empty promises to this site over the brief span of its existence. I have made wild claims, perhaps even lied to you, our dear readers. But I swear to you all, on the graves of all of the ancestors I probably have somewhere, that I will write a review for “Expendables”.
(See? I have even written this pre-review so that you will have a contract signed by me, swearing that I will be writing this review ~v)

“Oh, yes”, you roll your eyes and drawl “Of course you will, Vicki” in a cutting yet not undeserved commentary on my past failures to act upon my words. But this movie, with no doubt, is the crux of my quarter century upon this planet; a gem gleaming on a pedestal untouched by by the drab mediocrity of adulthood.  Clearly it has come, this reward, to commemorate the great year and month 25 years past, that I, Vicki was born, an action movie, so amazing, so breathtaking, so superwickedbadass, that many flail uncontrollably when they speak of it. Yes, “The Expendables” is that movie.  In fact, every time I am reminded of it, I begin to gibber. Its getting a little embarrassing, I’m told.

For those of you who haven’t heard, “Expendables”, expected August 13, 2010,  is about a team of mercenaries sent to South America to kill a dictator, or something like that…Blah Blah Blah. But it doesn’t really matter, because that’s the LEAST exciting part about this movie! Dear readers, prepare your emergency adult diapers as I tell you why this is the most *insert superlative here* film to be made since I was a wee child forced to endure the 80s.

IS IT NOT AMAZING?


Oh, I’m sorry. You need more?

MORE? BESIDES Sylvester Fuckin’ Stallone, Jet-I-Shit-You-Not- Li, and Jason-I-told-you-you’d-need-a-diaper- Statham???!!!!    Okay then.

HERE’S YOUR MORE!

HOW ABOUT

Bruce Willis

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Dolph Lundgren

Mickey Rourke

and some lesser knowns like Steve Austin, Terry Crews, and Randy Couture

YES! I will have a chance to endure the BEST parts of the 80s, ALL OVER AGAIN! It is a veritable smorgasbord of all the action movie stars from my childhood! Its like every action hero from the golden age of cheesy blockbusters came together to make a special present, JUST FOR ME! Sure, it lacks Nicolas Cage and Jean-Claude Van Damme, but I can’t blame them, for I may have said a few hurtful words about them recently, so I can understand why they might a little sulky and disinclined to participate.

In the respected words of a pentilingual chemical scientist who won a Fulbright scholarship to MIT:

“An old-school, kick-ass action movie where people are fighting with knives and shooting at each other.”
– Dolph Lundgren

I, for one,  can think of no better tagline.


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Comments
  1. Scott Salsman says:

    I’m pretty damn excited, myself! Though I’m even more excited about Machete.

    • Vicki says:

      You are correct! Although my mind is currently unable to process more beyond “The Expendables”, I will have a month to prepare for the grand opening of “Machete”, a close excitement second! Thank you for reminding me of this!

  2. Sophiarosado says:

    Great detailed and powerful story….This movie is really full of suspense and threatening scenes…Also,its so enjoyable…we wish you to achieve more success and to go forward in future project…

    movie

  3. Richard says:

    OMG, this is so exciting! Can’t wait to watch it! Just hope that the movie fulfills my expectations! Thanks for sharing that great movie site, Sophia! Really like it!

  4. Susana says:

    “I tell you why this is the most *insert superlative here* film to be made since I was a wee child forced to endure the 80s.”

    Bitch, please! You’re younger than I am. All we had to endure during the ’80s was potty training and preschool.
    The early nineties, on the other hand…*shudder*…

    • Vicki says:

      Don’t you “bitch, please” me! I almost exclusively watched movies on USA from the ages of two to eight! It was like living through the 80s. That channel is a freaking time warp!

      • Susana says:

        I counteract with my own exclusive watching of the Sci-Fi channel since its inception. USA might have had some cheese in its day (didn’t they showcase “Silk Stalkings” and “Baywatch Nights”? Or was that UPN? One of them was slightly pornier than the other.) There is no greater cheezy retro horror than early-mid-90s Sci-Fi Channel. I mean, holy shit, pre-ironic “Knight Rider”? 800,000 made-for-TV conspiracy movies with Parker Stevenson? Fucking *Automan*? I even got pre-broadcast screeners due to my sister-in-law working for the channel! (You shoulda seen the shit they DIDN’T air…)
        Although classic SFC did give me “Quantum Leap”, and MST3k. I can’t complain too much. It’s sad when your early childhood crushes are on a 50-something Dean Stockwell.

  5. Josh MacCormick says:

    THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME THE MOVIE WAS SOOOO BEEEEAAAASSSSSTTTTT!!!!!

  6. hi dude says:

    Poo Face

  7. Dirk Nienaber says:

    Great blog guys,

    New short action film I shot on the Canon 5D & 60D, Check it out!

  8. Love the blog! We make short action films that might interest some of the readers here, not sure if our style will be for all of you, but it would mean a lot if you could check out our channel and videos and let us know what you think. Thank you!
    Here’s the link to our YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/LastChapterStudios/featured

  9. This is one of our newest short action scenes, check it out and let us know what you think! Thanks!

  10. What’s up friends, fastidious article and fastidious urging commented at this place,
    I am truly enjoying by these.

  11. “The Expendables” of course made one of my favorites lists!

    Brian January
    http://brianjanuary.blogspot.com/

  12. I like what you guys are up too. This kind of clever work and exposure!
    Keep up the awesome works guys I’ve included you guys to my blogroll.

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