Posts Tagged ‘Jason Statham’

Pre-Review: The Expendables

Posted: July 13, 2010 by V in Review
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Okay, I know I’ve made some empty promises to this site over the brief span of its existence. I have made wild claims, perhaps even lied to you, our dear readers. But I swear to you all, on the graves of all of the ancestors I probably have somewhere, that I will write a review for “Expendables”.
(See? I have even written this pre-review so that you will have a contract signed by me, swearing that I will be writing this review ~v)

“Oh, yes”, you roll your eyes and drawl “Of course you will, Vicki” in a cutting yet not undeserved commentary on my past failures to act upon my words. But this movie, with no doubt, is the crux of my quarter century upon this planet; a gem gleaming on a pedestal untouched by by the drab mediocrity of adulthood.  Clearly it has come, this reward, to commemorate the great year and month 25 years past, that I, Vicki was born, an action movie, so amazing, so breathtaking, so superwickedbadass, that many flail uncontrollably when they speak of it. Yes, “The Expendables” is that movie.  In fact, every time I am reminded of it, I begin to gibber. Its getting a little embarrassing, I’m told.

For those of you who haven’t heard, “Expendables”, expected August 13, 2010,  is about a team of mercenaries sent to South America to kill a dictator, or something like that…Blah Blah Blah. But it doesn’t really matter, because that’s the LEAST exciting part about this movie! Dear readers, prepare your emergency adult diapers as I tell you why this is the most *insert superlative here* film to be made since I was a wee child forced to endure the 80s.

IS IT NOT AMAZING?


Oh, I’m sorry. You need more?

MORE? BESIDES Sylvester Fuckin’ Stallone, Jet-I-Shit-You-Not- Li, and Jason-I-told-you-you’d-need-a-diaper- Statham???!!!!    Okay then.

HERE’S YOUR MORE!

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REVIEW: “Transporter 3”

Posted: June 16, 2009 by V in Review
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Wayyyy back in 2002,  when Susanna still spelled her name with 2 n’s, we went to see a movie. Armed with a liter of  soda and king size bag of Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles, we were unprepared for the “The Transporter” experience. In the first 10 minutes there is a high speed car chase, explosions within the first 20 minutes, and missile launchers and helicopter chases in 30. “Transporter 3”, however, does not live up to its predecessor. Here be spoilers -v

trans3

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REVIEW: “The Bank Job”

Posted: February 18, 2009 by Zee in Review
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YES so I booked my own passage aboard the Failship. (Can I be the bosun? I always liked saying “bosun”…) My excuse is: I have one day a week when I’m not in grad school or at work. Life has a tendency to get in the way.

But now that I am back for the moment, let me speak of The Bank Job, a gloriously stupid heist flick that has two things immediately going for it:

1) It has Jason Statham in it

2) It is the only DVD I have ever seen that does not have a synopsis of the actual movie on the case….anywhere. Seriously! No summary on the back. No tagline. No nothing that lets you know what this movie is actually about. Although to be fair, if you’re renting a Jason Statham movie you kind of know what you’re in for. I love the man dearly, but it’s not like he does the works of Marlowe between shoot-em-up action flicks.

thebankjob

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Blog Stats = Amusement

Posted: June 25, 2008 by Zee in Uncategorized
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So for shits-n-giggles (and really, if you don’t use that term regularly? Start doing so now) I looked up Arterial Spray’s blog stats– specifically the keyword searches. Apparently Google (or whatever) has decided that if you want to find our humble blog, these are the best words to type into your box:

amy smart naked pics (I’m shocked! What makes you perverts think that we would show Amy Smart with her breasts exposed, nipple out for all to see, on our virtuous blog?! May I remind the readership that one authoress is Catholic, while the other is undoubtedly some Chinese philosophical religion that rejects such things as Amy Smart’s breasts?!)

does forbidden kingdom have subtitles? (Spoken like a true American. I salute thee, brothers!)

speed racer, brotherhood (why am I picturing David Carradine here?)

movie (Dude. Really? And more than one person used this as their keyword. Dude. Really?)

film crank 2 (OK, boy, can I relate here!)

crank 2 (77 searches?! Ok, wait, there are people on the Intaweb that are more excited about Crank 2 than I? IMPOSSIBLE. I need to meet all of you. NOW.)

forbidden kingdom white guy (Vicki, you just forgot the name of our site, didn’t you?)

sexxxy (ok, wait…of ALL the sites Google could have directed you to for this search, it sent you to an action movie blog in which two chicks titter over Edward Norton side-butt?!?…wow. Although Vicki and I would both agree Edward Norton side-butt is DAMN ‘sexxxy’. In other news…please, please, PLEASE learn how to spell correctly.)

crank amy smart (I’m sensing a trend)

pics of zombies feeding on girls (you have us confused with a fetish site, I’m afraid. But points on properly using ‘feeding’ as a verb!)

coreyhaim (dude, NO. Yes, I know he’s in Crank 2. With a mullet. And what appears to be a Bacardi Rum tattoo. Still…NO.)

And the number 1 (with 92 queries!) keyword search?

jason statham

Whoever you 92 people are, I think I love you.

Oh, if for whatever reason I end up posting here more than Vicki? She has an excuse…she’s in Taiwan (land of her heritage! Home of…well, Vicki’s relatives as far as I know. And smog. That’s about it, until Vicki corrects me rightly for totally bashing her homeland) for an internship. Y’know, actually doing stuff after she graduated. Pah! But Vicki? This means you have to review at least ONE Taiwanese/Chinese action film that you KNOW will not be released state-side. You’re there for two months! Are you telling me you won’t see at least ONE?! PAH, I say!

Or you have to get me a yurt during your Mongolian travels.

The deal’s on the table.

“Crank 2” Pictures!

Posted: May 3, 2008 by Zee in Uncategorized
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(Vicki refuses to see “Crank 2”. This should give you an idea of how truly awful the first one was. I’m still going opening day. Jason Statham is teh sexxxy– S.)