Rape is boring.

There, I said it.

ALIENS003

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Cicada Thug Life

Posted: June 12, 2013 by V in Irrelevant, Uncategorized

Sing, fly, mate, die!

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(And I make my triumphant return!– S)

Many questions race through one’s mind upon watching Robin Hood: Ghosts of Sherwood. Questions such as “Why?”, “Who thought this was a good idea?” and “Did I lose a bet?”

Robin_Hood_Ghosts_of_Sherwood

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(Bear with me for a moment here -v)

I have a declaration to make. And it isn’t an easy one. Because I love the book “World War Z”, I love zombie movies, and I love disaster movies; I love movies that are disasters, and I even love Brad Pitt,  and most importantly in this case – I love awfulness burried under a cascade of money. And there is no way, whatsoever, that I could not have an absolutely glorious time RENDING this movie’s metaphorical BONES INTO SLURRY. It would be so much fun. Did you see that trailer? Did you see that chopper go down like a wildebeest at a watering hole? How about that tidal wave of super ant people zombies?

 wat

 Left: Experienced pack hunters aim for the sensitive nose and vulnerable underbelly
Right: An admirable but incorrect attempt at breaking the human tower record. 
 

And so, I’m not going to see it. This movie is a travesty of film making. Not only is it just a bad movie, which could, and has, and is very commonly forgiven. It has taken a fantastic book and made it into a terrible movie. For the last two years, I have been waiting, desperately hoping the rumors were a lie, willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. But having seen the final trailer in theatre this weekend, I have to make a stand. And I love bad movies — but there are movies that were never going to be good, movies that would have been good if not for X or Y, or movies that are so bad they’re good. The movie “World War Z” took what was a thoughtful geopolitical social commentary that explores the nature of humanity in a clever and interesting format, and turns it into a one man superdad quest to save the world. What do they think he’s going to do? Deactivate the hive mind so all the zombies collapse?

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REVIEW: “Star Trek: Into Darkness”

Posted: May 20, 2013 by V in Review
Tags: , , ,

(So I watched Star Trek: Into Darkness this weekend and enjoyed  it. I had a great time watching it, this action movie set in space. I have a special Brain Treaty which states that brain is to disengage when I watch action movies. And thus, I enjoyed the shit out of alt reality Star Trek.  –v SPOILERS AHEAD)

star-trek-into-darkness-wide

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REVIEW: “Mean Guns”

Posted: August 8, 2011 by Zee in Review

There is very little introduction I can give to Mean Guns. Netflix recommended it to me due to my enjoyment of action movies, Christopher Lambert, and distilled llama shit.

Okay, maybe Netflix doesn’t have a “distilled llama shit” category, but once their transhuman cyborganic algorithmics figure out what I watch, they will. Oh, they will.

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Beginning of a New Chapter

Posted: August 8, 2011 by Zee in Uncategorized

I come back to this blog with a load off my heart, a spring in my step, and a sackfull of clichés.

For every movie fan there is one actor that you find yourself drawn to again and again, whose movies– whatever dubious qualities they hold– are the ones you simply cannot turn away from. You will be channel-flipping and land three-quarters of the way through one of their films; Hoarders will wait on TiVo. You pass by DVD case after DVD case at Best Buy, totally uninterested in the wares offered, until you see a hitherto unknown film, shot in Serbia with cameras salvaged from a St. Vincent’s charity shop in Finland; that gift card is about to be put to good use.

You cannot explain the appeal of this actor, nor do you think you should even have to. All you know is that whatever diminishing returns and appeal he holds, you will be there in the front row (or more likely on the sofa), enraptured by his every word.

For me, that actor is Christopher Lambert.

Yeah, I said it.

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REVIEW: “Ichi”

Posted: August 12, 2010 by Zee in Review

So it’s been a long time. Feck off, it’s my blog and I can drop in as I please!

Ahem.

Now, everyone who knows me knows I love a good strong female action hero. (Except for The Bride. Not only do I dislike Tarentino with a passion, but Uma Thurman looks like an ostrich with bad hair– an image I could not get out of mind during both movies.) Kick-ass girls tend to show up more in foreign productions (Run Lola Run, La Femme Nikita, the work of Luc Besson) than American and the film I am reviewing today is no exception: Ichi, directed by Fumihiko Sori.

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Pre-Review: The Expendables

Posted: July 13, 2010 by V in Review
Tags: ,

Okay, I know I’ve made some empty promises to this site over the brief span of its existence. I have made wild claims, perhaps even lied to you, our dear readers. But I swear to you all, on the graves of all of the ancestors I probably have somewhere, that I will write a review for “Expendables”.
(See? I have even written this pre-review so that you will have a contract signed by me, swearing that I will be writing this review ~v)

“Oh, yes”, you roll your eyes and drawl “Of course you will, Vicki” in a cutting yet not undeserved commentary on my past failures to act upon my words. But this movie, with no doubt, is the crux of my quarter century upon this planet; a gem gleaming on a pedestal untouched by by the drab mediocrity of adulthood.  Clearly it has come, this reward, to commemorate the great year and month 25 years past, that I, Vicki was born, an action movie, so amazing, so breathtaking, so superwickedbadass, that many flail uncontrollably when they speak of it. Yes, “The Expendables” is that movie.  In fact, every time I am reminded of it, I begin to gibber. Its getting a little embarrassing, I’m told.

For those of you who haven’t heard, “Expendables”, expected August 13, 2010,  is about a team of mercenaries sent to South America to kill a dictator, or something like that…Blah Blah Blah. But it doesn’t really matter, because that’s the LEAST exciting part about this movie! Dear readers, prepare your emergency adult diapers as I tell you why this is the most *insert superlative here* film to be made since I was a wee child forced to endure the 80s.

IS IT NOT AMAZING?


Oh, I’m sorry. You need more?

MORE? BESIDES Sylvester Fuckin’ Stallone, Jet-I-Shit-You-Not- Li, and Jason-I-told-you-you’d-need-a-diaper- Statham???!!!!    Okay then.

HERE’S YOUR MORE!

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REVIEW: “Star Trek”

Posted: June 17, 2009 by V in Review
Tags: , , , ,

I admit, Star Trek was one of the few bandwagons that I did not board. Sure, I watched Star Trek, never the original but several of the later series, never regularly. Thanks to “Star Trek” of the nondescript name, I am now willing to go back and watch them all today. No spoilers this time,  (that means its good enough for me to go out of my way to avoid ruining it)! -v

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