REVIEW: “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”

(X-Men Origins, was an acclaimed comic  series before executives decided that Wolverine as played by Hugh Jackman was a cash cow  just waiting to be slaughtered for golden eggs! As you can probably guess, the comic was about origins, Wolverine’s origins. *whisper* He’s in the X-men! Having received conflicting recommendations about this movie, I decided to view it for myself. –v)

Above I present the main cast, or I suppose the main attractive parts of the cast. I have reason to believe that besides Hugh Jackman, who is a joy to behold anywhere, the final selection of the cast were put in a camera test in which they were to turn around and “look intense”  straight into the cameraman. I expect their guidelines were to imitate dramatic prairie dog.

“X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, came with baggage. And by baggage I mean angry nerds with an attention and loyalty to detail that is not commonly found in the human race. Were we they to apply their stills to something useful, surely many could discover themselves with lucrative holdings which which they could go forth and purchase that dream underground missile silo house they’ve always wanted. You know who you are.

With this movie, dorks with taped up glasses  and secret decoder rings felt as if Fox had slapped them right across the face. That this movie that bore the name of the long acclaimed “X-Men Origins” comic (original series) yet didn’t stick to the story was an affront to them and all that they stood for (Fanta and Cool Ranch Doritos). For those unfamiliar with the comic, it really didn’t matter. The essence of the original was covered in the first 15 minutes, and in my opinion it was done in a rather nifty series of sequences.

In some places, the CG looked good, in many places it looked terrible. Some of the worst of the lot are the adamantium claws which look like someone forgot to finish modeling, unfortunate as the audience is flashed adamantium fairly often; but the winner of the wince contest is a scene in which Jackman and Gambit duke it out. The results of the fight I will not disclose, but all shall know that there is at least one apartment building in New Orleans that is totally screwed in case of a fire. These will become folk with good reason to hate mutants. All is not lost, however, as most of the fight scenes look great, and the Gambit revelation in particular, does not disappoint.

This movie was created to let Hugh Jackman look good in sideburns and let the writers Benioff and Woodshave, respectively responsible for Hitman and Troy, hold some sort of one-upmanship contest.  They start with a fairly high bar, opening with a battle montage from the Spanish American War, WWI, WWII, and Vietnam. Then a battle scene in which a team of mutants assault a heavily fortified diamond factory to pick up a souvenir, followed by minor character building exposition. My supposition is that they had to make it look like they tried. But not to worry! The action resumes shortly with Liev Schreiber (HE’S SUPPOSED TO BECOME SABERTOOTH SHH!) who comes to spice it up with indiscriminate killings! And totally owns Jackman in the best worst most extreme bar fight that town has ever seen!

This escalation in battle level leads to the logical reason and actual explanation of why Jackman has an adamantium skeleton (besides the writers trying to  knock it up a notch.) Taking butt naked refuge in an elderly couple’s barn, Jackman is presented with clothes that make him look good, and a reason to put him on a motorcycle. At this point, I can only guess, this is what I imagine happened.

Benioff:  In the spirit of competition, I shall begin the next sequence with a mere two machine gunning vehicles and a single helicopter containing Agent Zero (he’s that one guy who has the super mutant ability of shooting really really fast right?) in a high speed explosive motorcycle chase through the countryside.

Woods:  You bastard! You know we have a limit on explosives! Fine! Jackman! Engage in a boxing match with that fat suit dude  special effects keep bothering me about.  Maybe then they’ll stop eating my lunches.
Oh and I’m putting in Gambit! All kids love Gambit! I’m going to work the FX guys so hard for this scene…

Benioff:  Very well, I’ll see your Gamibt/Jackman fight, and add a Schreiber, making it a three way beat down. *sniff*

Woods:  Dude! you cant just throw Schreiber in whenever you feel like it! He doesn’t even have a good excuse for being there! I…I… I don’t even have… Fine!  We’re going to move the plot to 3 Mile Island where Stryker is rounding up mutants so.. um… he can steal their powers and place them into a single mutant who responds only to his commands!
And we’re going to call this new puppet mutant Deadpool, and he’s going to have the healing factor of Wolverine and Sabertooth and, like, a retractable adamantium sword coming out of his hand, like both of them! He’s going to be AWESOME!!1one11!!

Benioff:  Very well, but know that you’re only making it easier for me, Jackman, you’re going to get beat up on the ground and then, you will SCALE THE NUCLEAR REACTOR. And Schreiber, you get up there too.

Woods:  WTF!! What did I just say about Schreiber! Dude! You aren’t allowed to use Schreiber anymore! Why is Schrieber there this time?”

Benioff:  He got bored inside and went outside for a smoke. Also, he likes to fight.

Woods:  Shutup! Tha’ts a stupid idea! Whatever! Deadpool gets powers of teleportation! And, and laser eye beams! And Jackman and Schreiber decapitate him! And his flickering head with the lasers still on is going to go spiraling down a nuclear reactor slicing through containment with still powerful lasers! And the reactor is going to completely fall apart! HA! HAHAHA! *ensue victory jig*

Final Score: Three out of five bullets. The escalation of improbability in this movie deserves an extra bullet.

To reiterate my point, we have both Wolverine and Sabertooth, at the top of a nuclear reactor, fighting a dude who looks like a cross between the Hellraiser guy and Frankenstein, who has the powers of supreme bladesmanship,an adamantium skeleton and blades, the mutant healing factor, teleportaion, and laserbeam eyes. At this point I can only conclude that Benioff and Woods shook hands, satisfied that their work should remain unsurpassed till the worst of the summer action flicks emerge.

That was probably when realized that they had to wrap it up then, and gave Stryker a magic lobotomy bullet that erases Jackman’s adamantium encased memory box. You know, all of that could have been taken care of it you just gave that gun to Agent Zero, the gun dude whose specialty is shooting things.

Meanwhile, in mutant cameo escape, the young blindfold wearing Cyclops demonstrates his amazing powers of convincing panicked escapees that a blind guy holds the great and mysterious power of  navigation!