REVIEW: “Transporter 3”

Posted: June 16, 2009 by V in Review
Tags: ,

Wayyyy back in 2002,  when Susanna still spelled her name with 2 n’s, we went to see a movie. Armed with a liter of  soda and king size bag of Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles, we were unprepared for the “The Transporter” experience. In the first 10 minutes there is a high speed car chase, explosions within the first 20 minutes, and missile launchers and helicopter chases in 30. “Transporter 3”, however, does not live up to its predecessor. Here be spoilers -v



In Transporter 3, Jason Statham drives a shiny black car very fast across Europe. He has with him several changes of clothes and the most irritating woman in the Northern Hemisphere. The clothes are there to allow him to strip with impunity. No one knows why the woman is there.

natalya-rudakova-2Even she’s not that sure

Frank Martin has a business in which he delivers stuff in his car. He is better at this than FedEX, and asks fewer questions, so he is apparently fairly famous in certain illicit circles.  Ukraine has somehow found a Prime Minister dedicated to the environment, and a mysterious American is determined to sneak ships full of toxic “melt-your-face” waste into Ukraine. Yes, entire plot of this movie revolves around bad guys who insist upon sneaking toxic waste into environmentalist Ukraine, no other former soviet block country will do as a repository for their melt-your-face waste.

So Frank is chilling out some weekend, he goes fishing,  watches some TV, and then someone drives a car into his house.  In the car now parked where his couch used to be, he finds a girl and is shortly clubbed over the head and kidnapped. When he wakes up, he’s on an operation table in only his boxers and a shiny new piece of jewlery. Why they needed to take off all his clothes to put an exploding proximity bracelet is, like many other things, never explained.  Now in the car with his fancy bracelet and an uppity girl giving him the silent treatment, he is told to drive his car across Eastern Europe for no reason. Why don’t they put the girl in a basement like all the other kidnap victims? No one knows. But they’re going to kidnap a specialist to drive their primary kidnapee around Europe anyway.  The first half of this film, this chick Valentina, she sulks. She reveals nothing useful and is as responsive as an angsty teen. The second half, she somehow swaps her script for a book of restaurant reviews and no one on set corrects her. It doesn’t make that much of a difference, really.

In this movie, Frank utilizes his unique fighting style wardrobe-fu. Wardrobe-fu is a martial art Frank Martin utilizes for the express purpose of taking his clothes off while fighting a bunch of other sweaty guys grabbing at him. I suspect that wardrobe-fu was created by women, for Jason Statham. Details get fuzzy but somewhere between the beginning and the end, Valentina drugs herself up, obtains vodka, and forces Frank to strip for the car keys. If I were Frank, I would high kick her in the face for the satisfaction the key, but he opted for the strip show. Maybe Frank just doesn’t like wearing clothes for too long. Somewhere in the middle of restaurant reviews, dialated pupil highs, and peeing in a gas station isle, Frank and Valentina fall in love. Much like the reason why baddies kidnap Frank put him in a car and tell him to drive a girl to Budapest until her dad signs a paper allowing eight ships full of toxic waste into the Ukraine harbor, no one can explain why.

After Valentina falls in love (and comes off her high) she decides to tell Frank everything she knows (exposition time!) and that she instantly knew he was trustworthy. But she needed to keep her feminine mystique in the face of kidnapping baddies, getting shot at, and having her dad blackmailed. Frank, unlike me, is charmed by this explanation. Yadda-yadda, Valentina gets taken away and Frank drives his car off a bridge into a lake. He gets better. He then makes his car better, and proceeds to drive it into a train, thus proving himself even more intense than the guy in the beginning who drove a car through his living room.

Final Score: Two out of five bullets. Statham’s overall rating was brought down by the girl. Statham’s rating is always brought down by the girl, since all the girls that come hang out with Statham ARE WORTHLESS IDIOTS, but this girl wasn’t even hot. This makes me angry. Not hot + poor dialogue + bad acting does not make for enjoyment. Her most animated moment? Recommending a fish stew. I only wish I were making this up.

Moving on, the Transporter series is known for awesome car chases, tricks and fight scenes! I love cars, cool tricks, and fight scenes! Sure it has car chase scenes, and a cool trick or two, and several short battles, but all of them were fairly mediocre and unexciting. Even wardrobe-fu didn’t make it better, and that’s pretty telling. In the brief moments of exposition, still nothing is explained. No one ever knows why!

  1. Susana says:

    “Yes, entire plot of this movie revolves around bad guys who insist upon sneaking toxic waste into environmentalist Ukraine”

    Holy shit, that ACTUALLY HAPPENED-– and they still couldn’t make it more interesting? For shame!

    And dude? By now, you should know that ANY and ALL Jason Statham movies involve him being stripped to his skivvies no matter what the circumstances. Along with kickboxing, I’m certain that near-nudity is a requirement in his contract.

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  3. adam says:

    Nie wisz co to spedycja? Tu na pewno sie dowiesz.

  4. lol cats says:

    lol this movie is soooo bad my eyes were burning and i had a foul taste in my mouth

  5. So Frank is chilling out some weekend, he goes fishing, watches some TV, and then someone drives a car into his house.

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  7. I’m a big Jason Statham fan, but this one is hit and miss, unfortunately. Still the action scenes are worth watching. The original “Transporter” certainly made one of my favorites lists!

    Brian January

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