REVIEW: “Bad Lieutenant”

Posted: June 14, 2008 by Zee in Uncategorized

(I seem to be on a weird Harvey Keitel kick lately. Rest assured I will not be reviewing Reservoir Dogs, though, because a) we’ve all seen it, and b) my intense loathing of Quentin Tarantino bars me from it. –S)

Hey, kids!

You know what would be great for Family Movie Night?! Now, little Billy, don’t give me that look. We know what happened the last time you chose the video for Family Movie Night. Why, your mother didn’t stop weeping for days, and you know how Gramma Jenny feels about those Wiemar-republic era drag queens! Why, it only takes a little encouragement to make her go nipping into the brandy, and we know how Jesus feels about that! Oh, come on, little Becky. Now, we all know you just graduated that liberal arts college up North, but Family Movie Night is always just so much moe enjoyable when the lead characters aren’t repressed transsexual migrant workers who are constantly beaten down by the Man! Let’s all find a movie we can ALL enjoy!

What’s this, Uncle Hershel? “Bad Lieutenant“? Is that like a Star Trek where Data goes on the fritz? Ha-ha-ha! Billy, please stop sighing, it makes Jesus unhappy. Let’s read the back! Ooooh, Roger Ebert loves it, and says Harvey Keitel gives “one of the great screen performances in recent years”. Well, this movie DID come out in 1992, remember, so it’s not ALL that recent, right gang? Hahaha! And yes, Becky, I realize Roger Ebert represents the bourgeoisie in all its laconic squalor. Wow, you sure learned some big words up at that college!

Let’s just throw this here disc into the turntable, huh? Or do these fancy things go on the CD player? Haha-haha-ha! Oh, Billy, the more eyeliner you put on the more Jesus smudges it with His tears.

Oh, look! You kids remember, Granpa had a car just like that, and you remember we used to send you kids off to school in JUST those kinds of parochial blazers…oh! Oh, my, he said a dirty word there! And another! Oh my, did he just tell his sons to…well, I’m sure all the dirty parts are out of the way now! Just trying to keep those adults interested, right? Hahahaha!

Um, Uncle Hershel, what’s he putting up his nose there?

How do you know that, Billy?


Oh, my.

Well, this is…different. What did you say the rating on this movie was again, Uncle Hershel? NC-17? You don’t say!

Well, aren’t those the cutest girls, taking their dad’s car out for a spin without him knowing! Wait, what did Harvey Keitel ask that girl? Why…what’s she doing with her tongue there?

How do you know that, little Becky?

Well, those ladies are certainly…naked…and…OH! Oh, dearie me, Mr. Keitel! Well, it’s nice to know that some actors don’t let  a little thing like modesty stand in the way of…um…their…part. Role! Their role!

Anyone for cake? Anyone?

Well, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, literally! Ah, finally, some wholesome activity in the sanctity of a house of God, and…Oh Goodness! That’s…oh, that’s a nun? Oh, my! I see London, I see France, I see….oh, um. My. So that’s what nuns look like…there. My, that’s…um, shocking…and…sacrilegious. Daring! Yes! Say, what’s that one…ruffian…doing on her back?

How do you know that, Gramma Jenny?

Is anyone sure they don’t want cake? Or coffee! We have coffee!

[45 minutes of silence later]

I’m gonna fuck a bitch and shoot some smack. Any of you whorefuckers mess wid’ me, I’m gonna blow ya fuckin’ brains out, yoo hear me? YOO FUCKIN’ HEAR ME, MUTHAFUCKAS?

And save me summa that fuckin’ cake

FINAL SCORE: 3 out of 5 bullets. Despite being in the action section, yet again, this was not an action movie. More of a melodrama, really, I guess, with a lot of swearing. If, however, you want copious amount of drugs, corruption, nudity (oh could I have lived my life perfectly content without seeing Harvey Keitel’s trouser snake), sex, and good old-fashioned Nun Rape (as opposed to Nouvelle Nun Rape, which sounds like a great metal band), this is your movie! Also if for some bizarre sad reason you want to know the exact play-by-play of the ’92 Mets vs. Dodgers season, this is a movie not to miss!

Incidentally, was Harvey Keitel ever young? He’s gotten progressively older, but I’ve never seen him looking younger than 50. It’s like he has an aging portrait hidden in the attic, but he never thought to get it painted until middle age.


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