TRAILER REVIEWS: The Ones Before “Terminator: Salvation”

It’s been awhile, but honestly, it’s been awhile since I saw a movie in theatres…

PUBLIC ENEMIES: C’mon! Johnny Depp playing 1930s gangster John Dillenger? How would I NOT want to see this? As much as I love Johnny Depp, I must say this: the older he gets, the more his agent/etc want to cast him as this whitey-white boy protagonist. And truth be told, the older he gets, the more Johnny Depp looks like what he is– a mostly Cherokee Indian! The most obvious bit was in Neverland– you couldn’t pay me to think that that man has one drop of Scottish blood in him.

DISTRICT 9: Hopefully they will keep the documentary-style camera work throughout the film, because that, honestly, would be GREAT. A sci-fi mvie done entirerly straight, just trying to be sociological about the subject matter, would be so refreshing. I will probably see this…depends on what I heat.

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN: Quite literally the worst CGI I’ve seen in 10 years. Good Lord.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS: For the love of everything Good and Holy. Brad Pitt, quite literally, looks like my grandfather did during his own WW2 years. I’ve never once thought Brad Pitt was attractive, but seeing him as Granpaw would remove all lingering doubts. What the FUCK is with that awful Southern accent!? Seriously, I think Quentin Tarantino is one of the most overrated directors on the planet. He’s a good screenwriter. Hell, I’d even say he’s a good actor! Just…please, do NOT give him the full reins to a movie. Ow.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: The first trailer, and the only one I hissed to Mah D00d, “If you like it or not, I am dragging you to see this”. C’MON– Robert Downey, Jr. as Sherlock, in a kicky Victorian wardrobe, sans clothing several times, engaged in a cage-fight, and directed by Guy Ritchie, post the soud-sucking Succubus that is Madonna?

How could I NOT see this!?!

TRAILER REVIEWS: Ones Playing in Front of “Iron Man”

(My first relevant post after a long haitus! Go me. – S)

I finally went to see Iron Man. Iron Man now rocks my socks. I want a gigantic totally-inefficient-use-of-allocation-of-government-resources suit! The fact that I have had a crush on Robert Downey Jr since I was 6 helps. Mmmmmmmm.

Anyway.

Since Vicki already gave us a review of that movie, I’ll be reviewing something else: the trailers playing in front of it!

1) The Incredible Hulk– wow, I actually want to go see this! I can buy Edward Norton as a nerdy scientist on the run MUCH better than Eric Bana, best known before Hulk for playing a  psychopathic Australian murderer who cut off his own ears to get a better jail sentence.  Nerd power! Apparently everyone is just pretending the first one never happened (which really is a good idea for everyone, from the director to the stars to the caterer…) I was working at a one-screen theater (the Arlington if anyone is in Santa Barbara) when the Hulk came out, and that movie held the record for lowest number of ticket sales that year, beating out even Gods and Generals, a Civil War epic with an intermission that was only watched by Civil War reinactors in full costume. No, I’m not kidding. Pity “served popcorn to Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln” can never go on my resume…

2) You Don’t Mess With The Zohan– My dad chuckled. It seems chuckle-worthy, and yet very…very…very…okay, lets just say “see this if you’re drunk with friends, on DVD”. Otherwise, I really don’t know what to say.

3) The Love Guru– Hey kids! If you feel compelled to watch every single Mike Myers film ever created, regardless of plot, quality, or performance…uh, well, then I feel very, very sorry for you, and recommend you see this on DVD, you poor fool.

4) Sex and the City– Seriously. I have no idea why this trailer was tacked onto Iron Man. Having lived in NYC and been subjected to roughly 80000000 Sarah Jessica Parker wannabes (if you are sitting next to me in a bar and you order a Cosmopolitan, I will CUT YOU), I will not be seeing this, junior-high crush on Chris Noth notwithstanding (have you SEEN Law & Order from his time? Oh, I do love me some gruff conflicted heroes with tragic pasts…)

5) Wanted– I confess that I have never seen an Angelina Jolie movie in my life and on the whole find both her and Brad Pitt thoroughly annoying and unattractive, but I think I’ll have to see this. Depends on the romance factor. Only thing I can find serious fault with from the trailer is that the effects artists seem to be under the mentality that Bullet Time is the epitome of action and must be used at EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY.

6) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull– honestly I was a bit underwhelmed, but I’ve never been much of an Indy girl. I don’t really do the adventure genre. Too much exposition, not enough explosions.

I end on this note, to justify my childhood Robert Downey Jr lust:

Oh, thank you, Iron Man, for seeing fit to put him in tight tank tops…a LOT.