I admit, Star Trek was one of the few bandwagons that I did not board. Sure, I watched Star Trek, never the original but several of the later series, never regularly. Thanks to “Star Trek” of the nondescript name, I am now willing to go back and watch them all today. No spoilers this time,  (that means its good enough for me to go out of my way to avoid ruining it)! -v

Best results after recieving gift basket of muffins and stacks of unmarked cash

The problem with a lot of sci-fi is that it is often set in space. And space, as everyone knows, is some expensive stuff. Space doesn’t come cheap, especially if you expect it to look good. So what is one to do with all the time not filled with amazing and expensive graphics? Land based adventures. Rubber monster suits. Drama. Politics. Now, I enjoy these things. Yes, I actually find interstellar politics and backstabbing fairly exhilarating. But thanks to the brilliance of JJ Abrams, audiences no longer have to set the bar as low as I, for space opera has never looked so good. Abrams and his amazing cast have combined all the character driven elements of low-budget sci-fi tv shows with the mind blowing action and visuals that can be provided by the buckets of money Paramount Pictures has been throwing at them (rightly).

I find the beauty of “Star Trek” ultimately lies with the crew. And this isn’t just because the cast is chock full of eye candy and icons of our youth, but because the actors that were found for their parts in this movie truly fit their roles. Each of those roles supporting and enhancing the role of his or her fellow crew member. Even Kirk, as smart, and bold, and as great a scrapper as he is, relies on Spock his crew (and especially Spock) to bolster his awesomeness. A Kirk without Spock would be nothing, but the rest of the crew are fantastic enough in their own right. Who would provide him with material to snark at, be a target of his pompous jauntiness, who would deflate his ego with droll looks, who would guard his back during his moments of impending doom, who would support his seemingly illogical decisions? Who else but his illustrious crew!!??

Who are the members of this crew, you ask?

Dude.

Final Score: Four point five out of five bullets. The plot was great, the screenwriting was superb, the dialogue snappy, the action seat gripping, the graphics mind blowing, the music epic, the characterization marvelous, the acting magnificent!

I tried really hard to find something not to like about this movie, I saw it twice, thats how hard I tried to find something not to like. The only thing I came up with: “Why is this common mining vessel so massively enormous?”. I’m grasping at straws here, maybe the Romulans build all their space vessels that big, maybe all mining ships are made fantastically humongous. Whatever. This was a fantastically solid film and I can’t wait for the next two. We were promised at least two more.

See this movie if you like sci-fi, space,  humor, in-jokes,  hilarous expressions, perfect timing, impossible situations, seeing the crap beat out of people, explosions, swooping visual effects, excellent character portrayal, enormous ships, cars or motorcycles, swords, fists, guns, aliens, monsters, a simple plot, a complex story, Zachary Quinto, Chris Pine,  Sean Penn, hot womens, Leonard Nemoy, independently motile eyebrows…This is only the top of the list. Just go see the movie.

Wayyyy back in 2002,  when Susanna still spelled her name with 2 n’s, we went to see a movie. Armed with a liter of  soda and king size bag of Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles, we were unprepared for the “The Transporter” experience. In the first 10 minutes there is a high speed car chase, explosions within the first 20 minutes, and missile launchers and helicopter chases in 30. “Transporter 3″, however, does not live up to its predecessor. Here be spoilers -v

In Transporter 3, Jason Statham drives a shiny black car very fast across Europe. He has with him several changes of clothes and the most irritating woman in the Northern Hemisphere. The clothes are there to allow him to strip with impunity. No one knows why the woman is there.

Even she’s not that sure

Frank Martin has a business in which he delivers stuff in his car. He is better at this than FedEX, and asks fewer questions, so he is apparently fairly famous in certain illicit circles.  Ukraine has somehow found a Prime Minister dedicated to the environment, and a mysterious American is determined to sneak ships full of toxic “melt-your-face” waste into Ukraine. Yes, entire plot of this movie revolves around bad guys who insist upon sneaking toxic waste into environmentalist Ukraine, no other former soviet block country will do as a repository for their melt-your-face waste.

So Frank is chilling out some weekend, he goes fishing,  watches some TV, and then someone drives a car into his house.  In the car now parked where his couch used to be, he finds a girl and is shortly clubbed over the head and kidnapped. When he wakes up, he’s on an operation table in only his boxers and a shiny new piece of jewlery. Why they needed to take off all his clothes to put an exploding proximity bracelet is, like many other things, never explained.  Now in the car with his fancy bracelet and an uppity girl giving him the silent treatment, he is told to drive his car across Eastern Europe for no reason. Why don’t they put the girl in a basement like all the other kidnap victims? No one knows. But they’re going to kidnap a specialist to drive their primary kidnapee around Europe anyway.  The first half of this film, this chick Valentina, she sulks. She reveals nothing useful and is as responsive as an angsty teen. The second half, she somehow swaps her script for a book of restaurant reviews and no one on set corrects her. It doesn’t make that much of a difference, really.

In this movie, Frank utilizes his unique fighting style wardrobe-fu. Wardrobe-fu is a martial art Frank Martin utilizes for the express purpose of taking his clothes off while fighting a bunch of other sweaty guys grabbing at him. I suspect that wardrobe-fu was created by women, for Jason Statham. Details get fuzzy but somewhere between the beginning and the end, Valentina drugs herself up, obtains vodka, and forces Frank to strip for the car keys. If I were Frank, I would high kick her in the face for the satisfaction the key, but he opted for the strip show. Maybe Frank just doesn’t like wearing clothes for too long. Somewhere in the middle of restaurant reviews, dialated pupil highs, and peeing in a gas station isle, Frank and Valentina fall in love. Much like the reason why baddies kidnap Frank put him in a car and tell him to drive a girl to Budapest until her dad signs a paper allowing eight ships full of toxic waste into the Ukraine harbor, no one can explain why.

After Valentina falls in love (and comes off her high) she decides to tell Frank everything she knows (exposition time!) and that she instantly knew he was trustworthy. But she needed to keep her feminine mystique in the face of kidnapping baddies, getting shot at, and having her dad blackmailed. Frank, unlike me, is charmed by this explanation. Yadda-yadda, Valentina gets taken away and Frank drives his car off a bridge into a lake. He gets better. He then makes his car better, and proceeds to drive it into a train, thus proving himself even more intense than the guy in the beginning who drove a car through his living room.

Final Score: Two out of five bullets. Statham’s overall rating was brought down by the girl. Statham’s rating is always brought down by the girl, since all the girls that come hang out with Statham ARE WORTHLESS IDIOTS, but this girl wasn’t even hot. This makes me angry. Not hot + poor dialogue + bad acting does not make for enjoyment. Her most animated moment? Recommending a fish stew. I only wish I were making this up.

Moving on, the Transporter series is known for awesome car chases, tricks and fight scenes! I love cars, cool tricks, and fight scenes! Sure it has car chase scenes, and a cool trick or two, and several short battles, but all of them were fairly mediocre and unexciting. Even wardrobe-fu didn’t make it better, and that’s pretty telling. In the brief moments of exposition, still nothing is explained. No one ever knows why!

]]> http://arterialspray.wordpress.com/2009/06/16/review-transporter-3/feed/ 1 Nullgnu trans3 transporter_3_poster2 natalya-rudakova-2 http://arterialspray.wordpress.com/2009/06/13/trailer-reviews-the-ones-before-terminator-salvation/ http://arterialspray.wordpress.com/2009/06/13/trailer-reviews-the-ones-before-terminator-salvation/#comments Sun, 14 Jun 2009 06:08:50 +0000 Susana http://arterialspray.wordpress.com/?p=186 ]]>

It’s been awhile, but honestly, it’s been awhile since I saw a movie in theatres…

PUBLIC ENEMIES: C’mon! Johnny Depp playing 1930s gangster John Dillenger? How would I NOT want to see this? As much as I love Johnny Depp, I must say this: the older he gets, the more his agent/etc want to cast him as this whitey-white boy protagonist. And truth be told, the older he gets, the more Johnny Depp looks like what he is– a mostly Cherokee Indian! The most obvious bit was in Neverland– you couldn’t pay me to think that that man has one drop of Scottish blood in him.

DISTRICT 9: Hopefully they will keep the documentary-style camera work throughout the film, because that, honestly, would be GREAT. A sci-fi mvie done entirerly straight, just trying to be sociological about the subject matter, would be so refreshing. I will probably see this…depends on what I heat.

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN: Quite literally the worst CGI I’ve seen in 10 years. Good Lord.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS: For the love of everything Good and Holy. Brad Pitt, quite literally, looks like my grandfather did during his own WW2 years. I’ve never once thought Brad Pitt was attractive, but seeing him as Granpaw would remove all lingering doubts. What the FUCK is with that awful Southern accent!? Seriously, I think Quentin Tarantino is one of the most overrated directors on the planet. He’s a good screenwriter. Hell, I’d even say he’s a good actor! Just…please, do NOT give him the full reins to a movie. Ow.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: The first trailer, and the only one I hissed to Mah D00d, “If you like it or not, I am dragging you to see this”. C’MON– Robert Downey, Jr. as Sherlock, in a kicky Victorian wardrobe, sans clothing several times, engaged in a cage-fight, and directed by Guy Ritchie, post the soud-sucking Succubus that is Madonna?

How could I NOT see this!?!

The T-800, the original Ah-Nald series Terminator, was sent back to destroy Sarah Connor on May 12, 1984.

I was born exactly one year later.

No wonder I love the series.

(X-Men Origins, was an acclaimed comic  series before executives decided that Wolverine as played by Hugh Jackman was a cash cow  just waiting to be slaughtered for golden eggs! As you can probably guess, the comic was about origins, Wolverine’s origins. *whisper* He’s in the X-men! Having received conflicting recommendations about this movie, I decided to view it for myself. -v)

Above I present the main cast, or I suppose the main attractive parts of the cast. I have reason to believe that besides Hugh Jackman, who is a joy to behold anywhere, the final selection of the cast were put in a camera test in which they were to turn around and “look intense”  straight into the cameraman. I expect their guidelines were to imitate dramatic prairie dog.

“X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, came with baggage. And by baggage I mean angry nerds with an attention and loyalty to detail that is not commonly found in the human race. Were we they to apply their stills to something useful, surely many could discover themselves with lucrative holdings which which they could go forth and purchase that dream underground missile silo house they’ve always wanted. You know who you are.

With this movie, dorks with taped up glasses  and secret decoder rings felt as if Fox had slapped them right across the face. That this movie that bore the name of the long acclaimed “X-Men Origins” comic (original series) yet didn’t stick to the story was an affront to them and all that they stood for (Fanta and Cool Ranch Doritos). For those unfamiliar with the comic, it really didn’t matter. The essence of the original was covered in the first 15 minutes, and in my opinion it was done in a rather nifty series of sequences.

In some places, the CG looked good, in many places it looked terrible. Some of the worst of the lot are the adamantium claws which look like someone forgot to finish modeling, unfortunate as the audience is flashed adamantium fairly often; but the winner of the wince contest is a scene in which Jackman and Gambit duke it out. The results of the fight I will not disclose, but all shall know that there is at least one apartment building in New Orleans that is totally screwed in case of a fire. These will become folk with good reason to hate mutants. All is not lost, however, as most of the fight scenes look great, and the Gambit revelation in particular, does not disappoint.

This movie was created to let Hugh Jackman look good in sideburns and let the writers Benioff and Woodshave, respectively responsible for Hitman and Troy, hold some sort of one-upmanship contest.  They start with a fairly high bar, opening with a battle montage from the Spanish American War, WWI, WWII, and Vietnam. Then a battle scene in which a team of mutants assault a heavily fortified diamond factory to pick up a souvenir, followed by minor character building exposition. My supposition is that they had to make it look like they tried. But not to worry! The action resumes shortly with Liev Schreiber (HE’S SUPPOSED TO BECOME SABERTOOTH SHH!) who comes to spice it up with indiscriminate killings! And totally owns Jackman in the best worst most extreme bar fight that town has ever seen!

This escalation in battle level leads to the logical reason and actual explanation of why Jackman has an adamantium skeleton (besides the writers trying to  knock it up a notch.) Taking butt naked refuge in an elderly couple’s barn, Jackman is presented with clothes that make him look good, and a reason to put him on a motorcycle. At this point, I can only guess, this is what I imagine happened.

Benioff:  In the spirit of competition, I shall begin the next sequence with a mere two machine gunning vehicles and a single helicopter containing Agent Zero (he’s that one guy who has the super mutant ability of shooting really really fast right?) in a high speed explosive motorcycle chase through the countryside.

Woods:  You bastard! You know we have a limit on explosives! Fine! Jackman! Engage in a boxing match with that fat suit dude  special effects keep bothering me about.  Maybe then they’ll stop eating my lunches.
Oh and I’m putting in Gambit! All kids love Gambit! I’m going to work the FX guys so hard for this scene…

Benioff:  Very well, I’ll see your Gamibt/Jackman fight, and add a Schreiber, making it a three way beat down. *sniff*

Woods:  Dude! you cant just throw Schreiber in whenever you feel like it! He doesn’t even have a good excuse for being there! I…I… I don’t even have… Fine!  We’re going to move the plot to 3 Mile Island where Stryker is rounding up mutants so.. um… he can steal their powers and place them into a single mutant who responds only to his commands!
And we’re going to call this new puppet mutant Deadpool, and he’s going to have the healing factor of Wolverine and Sabertooth and, like, a retractable adamantium sword coming out of his hand, like both of them! He’s going to be AWESOME!!1one11!!

Benioff:  Very well, but know that you’re only making it easier for me, Jackman, you’re going to get beat up on the ground and then, you will SCALE THE NUCLEAR REACTOR. And Schreiber, you get up there too.

Woods:  WTF!! What did I just say about Schreiber! Dude! You aren’t allowed to use Schreiber anymore! Why is Schrieber there this time?”

Benioff:  He got bored inside and went outside for a smoke. Also, he likes to fight.

Woods:  Shutup! Tha’ts a stupid idea! Whatever! Deadpool gets powers of teleportation! And, and laser eye beams! And Jackman and Schreiber decapitate him! And his flickering head with the lasers still on is going to go spiraling down a nuclear reactor slicing through containment with still powerful lasers! And the reactor is going to completely fall apart! HA! HAHAHA! *ensue victory jig*

Final Score: Three out of five bullets. The escalation of improbability in this movie deserves an extra bullet.

To reiterate my point, we have both Wolverine and Sabertooth, at the top of a nuclear reactor, fighting a dude who looks like a cross between the Hellraiser guy and Frankenstein, who has the powers of supreme bladesmanship,an adamantium skeleton and blades, the mutant healing factor, teleportaion, and laserbeam eyes. At this point I can only conclude that Benioff and Woods shook hands, satisfied that their work should remain unsurpassed till the worst of the summer action flicks emerge.

That was probably when realized that they had to wrap it up then, and gave Stryker a magic lobotomy bullet that erases Jackman’s adamantium encased memory box. You know, all of that could have been taken care of it you just gave that gun to Agent Zero, the gun dude whose specialty is shooting things.

Meanwhile, in mutant cameo escape, the young blindfold wearing Cyclops demonstrates his amazing powers of convincing panicked escapees that a blind guy holds the great and mysterious power of  navigation!

So I went to see the latest instalment in the Terminator series this weekend. I have always been something of a Terminator fan: I saw/was traumatized by the first movie when I was about 5 (GREAT PARENTING THERE, Mom and Dad!) and saw T2 around middle school. I admit I skipped T3 (as did most of the movie-going world…shudder…) but I have a big soft spot for the first two movies, if only because they have a kick-ass female antagonist.

I’m 110% honest here: I consider the Terminator movies to be the first feminist action series.

Let’s face it, as much as I love action movies, they’re pretty weak when it comes to chicks. Women in action movies are mostly damsels in distress or femme fatales– there are damn few heroines in the genre, which is a fucking shame. Princess Leia probably kicked off the beginning of positive, kick-ass women in action movies, but really, she’s one of a very, very small minority.

This is why Sarah Connor is so important to the action movie genre. She’s presented to us as the stereotypical damsel-in-distress during the first parts of The Terminator, but Goddamn it, she realizes the danger she’s in, she reacts to it, and she does whatever the Hell she can do to stay alive– but at the same time she doesn’t sacrifice her femininity. She falls in love with and becomes impregnated with Kyle Reese, and she mourns his death as a true partner, and as a mother.

Sarah’s role throughout the series is as “the mother”– John Connor is supposed to be “the prophet”, and she mostly does not matter…supposedly. Take as many Mary/Jesus comparisons as you will. This, however, simply is not the case. Sarah is, in many ways, more important than John, and that is not just because biologically without her he would not exist. After the death of Kyle Reese, Sarah is literally the only person in the world who knows what will happen in the next 20-30 years. She must live with that burden and shoulder it as well as she can, while still raising a child who has no idea what the future will bring.

The Terminator series has always been a great example of positive female characters in the action genre. Terminator Salvation upholds this standard: Lt. Blair Williams (Moon Goodblood) does nothing more than share a tearful kiss with her beloved at the tail end of the movie. Otherwise, she is a strong, independant, take-no-shit-from-anyone kind of gal. She appreciates a helping hand, but doesn’t expect anyone to rescue her.

In my opinion, Sarah Connor ought to be considered the patron saint of Action Chicks. Being an action chick does not mean compromising your femininity. It does not mean you must pull a “Mulan” (sorry, Vicki!) and try to be what you are not. You can only be what you are, and if the odds come down to it…

Bitch, kick some ass.

I’ve got your back.

ETA: My wonderful boyfriend gave me his mint-in-box T2 Sarah Connor action figure (http://www.toywiz.com/mcfsarahhat.html) after I expressed how much I admired this character. I knew there was some reason I keep that boy around…

How do I love thee, Arnold Schwarzenegger? Lemme count the ways:

1) Your name is nearly unpronounceable, much less spell-able– yet I spelled it right the first time.

2) You’re the Gubernator of my (mostly) home state, and when you ran against Gray Davis it was the first year I was legally allowed to vote (although I admit I didn’t vote for you, since I knew you were going to win anyway…I voted for the sumo wrestler running against you. My God, it was a wonderful thing to be a Californian that year).

3) You starred in Last Action Hero, possibly the only movie my dad worked on that he liked working on.

3a) As a result of that movie, I have your autograph.

4) You starred in The Running Man.

_

My God but is this a wonderful, stupid, stupid, stupid movie. Now, I mean “stupid” in the kindest way, but..OH HOLY GOD. No action movie fan is complete without seeing this movie.

There are many things that make this movie a wondrous cheeze-fest. What to say first? The sets that look like rejects from a Queensrÿche video (this movie is so ’80s it will make your hair hurt)? A villain dressed as an LED-studdeed Viking who sings opera while stalking our heroes in what essentially amounts to a Shrinermobile? The fact that the heroine hid the MacGuffin in her no-no bits? The fact that the movie stars both Mick Fleetwood and Dweezil freakin’ Zappa?

Honestly, my favorite bit about this movie was the MacGuffin. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, I will let Alfred Hitchcock explain it:

“[We] have a name in the studio, and we call it the ‘MacGuffin.’ It is the mechanical element that usually crops up in any story. In crook stories it is almost always the necklace and in spy stories it is most always the papers.”

Essentially, it’s absolutely nothing except a device to move the plot forward. Think of the briefcase in Pulp Fiction– that is a MacGuffin.

Now, I shall not elaborate on what the MacGuffin is exactly, in this movie, but I will touch on it. It is a cockpit film that records a confrontation Ah-Nald has with his helicopter crew, in which he asserts he was the Moral Outpost in a Sea of Indignity (etc) and he Repressed By the System (etc x2). Why do I love this little film reel MacGuffin so?

At one point, this cockpit recording films the events from Ah-Nald’s point of view It is not a cutting-to-the-POV shot. It’s firmly established that is is an “observational” camera…recording from his POV.

Think about that for a moment.

Then realize how much I love this movie.

YES so I booked my own passage aboard the Failship. (Can I be the bosun? I always liked saying “bosun”…) My excuse is: I have one day a week when I’m not in grad school or at work. Life has a tendency to get in the way.

But now that I am back for the moment, let me speak of The Bank Job, a gloriously stupid heist flick that has two things immediately going for it:

1) It has Jason Statham in it

2) It is the only DVD I have ever seen that does not have a synopsis of the actual movie on the case….anywhere. Seriously! No summary on the back. No tagline. No nothing that lets you know what this movie is actually about. Although to be fair, if you’re renting a Jason Statham movie you kind of know what you’re in for. I love the man dearly, but it’s not like he does the works of Marlowe between shoot-em-up action flicks.

In lieu of a proper review, the following is how I imagine the pitch for The Bank Job went:

INT.

PRODUCER: Right, so’s we got a movie here right?

SYCOPHANT #1: YEAAAAAH!!!

SYCOPHANT #2: It’s gonna RAWWWWK!

PRODUCER: Yeah, yeah, totally! We’ve got Jason Statham, and he’s robbin’ ‘imself a bank, and Saffron Burrows is in it, and…well yeah , she don’t flash ‘er tits, but we got plenty of other girls in it who do! It’s awesome! And…yes, Roger?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: I just…well, I got a couple concerns, here, honestly..

(Collective SIGH from table)

PRODUCER: Yes, Roger?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Like, this part here, where Jason’s kickboxin’ these blokes?

SYCOPHANT #2: It RAAAWWWKS!!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Well, yes, I agree, it’s just…

PRODUCER: Yes, Roger?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: My name’s Edward, actually– anyway, I’m just sayin’…I mean, it’s in what, 1973? And he’s like this workin’ class bloke who owns a mechanic’s shop, yeah?

PRODUCER: And…?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: I mean. just…where exactly would a workin’ class mechanic in 1973 learn kickboxin’ an’ all?

(Collective SIGH)

PRODUCER: Billy– can I call ya Billy?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Well, my name is Edward…

PRODUCER: Listen…you’ve never worked on a Jason Statham movie before, ‘ave ya?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Well…

PRODUCER: Cos this is jus’ how it is– if you hire Jason fuckin’ Statham, you are damn well gonna have him kickboxin’ someone. That’s jus’ how it’s gotta be.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT …but…

PRODUCER: That’s just how it’s gotta be.

SYCOPHANT #1: YEEEEAAAAH!!!

SYCOPHANT #2: It RAAAWWWWKS!!!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: May I– listen, this one last bit…

(Collective SIGH)

PRODUCER: YES, Carl?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Edward. Anyway, after the gang all break into the bank? Y’know, the bank with millions of Pounds and jewlery and God knows what else locked up inside? And they’ve busted through the wall and they’re totally safe and…

PRODUCER: Yeeeees?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: …and they all decide to take a nap?

SYCHOPHANT #1: YEEEEEEEAAAAHH!!

PRODUCER: Shuddit. Listen, Frankie–

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Edward.

PRODUCER: Whatever. Listen, we need that scene, see? It sets up the whole love triangle…affair…coersion…whatever the Hell it means were we gotta have Jason and Saffron get it on.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: …but she doesn’t even show her tits.

PRODUCER: Ah-HAH! NOW you’re starting to think like a PRO, Philly!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Edward.

PRODUCER: Whatever.

SYCOPHANT #2: IT RAAAWWWWWKKS!!!

SYCOPHANT #1: YEEAAAAH!!!!

Sorry for the long hiatus! This time I actually have no excuse and only one mitigator: his name is House, M.D. For anyone who dares question the greatness of House there will be punishing blows and ear-rending cries. Let it be known. Do not question the greatness of House.  Moving on.

Two things got me off my ass and moving. One was a text from Susanna (who has also mysteriously disappeared from teh webz), the other, a blog review from Action Flick Chick. Perhaps some of my lethargy was due to the fact that our readers tend to ninja in and out leaving little to no trace of their visit. Please! Leave a comment! It makes us feel read and appreciated. Being read and appreciated makes us happy, and being happy makes us watch more movies and belittle the crap out of them! Its a strange cycle, I know.

During one of our physical visits (that sounds a little like a conjugal visit, doesn’t it?), Susanna mentioned seeing the movie “I Am Legend”. I returned, “I read a book called ‘I Am Legend’”! And thus began horrific conversation in which we discovered one was based on the other. To this day I have not seen the movie, and I believe that Susanna has likewise not read the book. Now, I would like to ask anyone who still keeps up with this blog to provide some input.

Would anyone be interested in the gist of our conversation? I’m sure that we could put something together to public ally display our bewildered confusion develop into horrified discovery? OR

Would anyone be interested in forcing me to watch this movie so that my mind will force my eyes to bleed in denial of the mutilation this story? OR

Would everyone yell at us to get on with reviewing action movies like the blog says we do?

Yeah, yeah, I’ve been missing for a while, but I have a good reason! I’ve been dodging responsibility, er I mean, traveling, till mmm… about 3 days ago, when I returned home to find a great pile of things that need a good fixin’ that were waiting for me. Therefore, I must be excused for being lax in my duties.

So in honor of my journey, I am here today to discuss “Prince of Persia: Sands of Time”. Okay, it has less to do with my journey than the fact that PoP: SoT was one of the BEST GAMES EVAR (honestly, it was spectacular in balancing all the facets of gameplay, plotline, fighting and puzzles, and character development), and I have a mad crush on the Prince.

Also, I didn’t get to go to Iran.

/Bitterness

So here we go:

Strike 1: Its being released by Disney.

Strike 2: They cast Jake Gyllenhaal as the Prince (OF PERSIA)

Strike 3: Gemma Arterton (BOOOOO) as an “exotic princess”  (See additional note at end)

Now, I know for a fact that there are plenty of talented foreign actors and actresses, so why is it that Gyllenhaal and Arterton, brilliant actor(s) (currently giving Arterton the benifit of doubt) but bewilderingly miscast in the roles of the Prince and Farah (or her new movie persona “Tamina”). To be blunt about it, for a movie set in the exotic orient, the cast is too white. Eye searingly white. Why? Why dey do dis?!

It doesn’t help that the director Mike Newell “has an assistant playing the video games to brief him on key details”. This is not a point in Newell’s favor. As that article was printed Nov 07, one can only hope that the director has since played the game himself.

There are however, a few spotty rays of hope:

1. One of the original creators of the game was involved in the script writing.

2. Jerry Bruckheimer is producing (if it had to be a Disney project, at least they gave me this much)

3. These preliminary drawings

Fairly recently, someone snapped shots of Gyllenhaal on set, here he is.

On the positive side, he didn’t turn out as badly as I feared. I still don’t see why they made him bulk upon muscle that much, and I remain staunch in my belief that the world out there holds another talented actor far more suited to the role of the Prince of Persia. (/grumble:  He looks more  like the Prince from Warrior Within (the crappy one))

Softly sardonic, British accented Prince won’t be given his fair due. But I’m going to cross my fingers in desperate hope. Come on, 2010, pleasantly surprise me!

In the meantime, I hear The Transporter 3 is out. Oh yeah. I’m on it.

Aditional Edit 12.20.08:

So I saw Quantum of Solace today, this post isn’t about 007 though, so all of you are spared until next time. Now, armed with the fact that I knew one of the Bond girls was Arterton, I was prepared to pass harsh and most likely horribly biased judgment on the new Bond girl’s replacement Farah’s qualities. Imagine how hopeful I was when the character Cami shows up as primary female interacting with Bond. So I start weighing her up for the part,  she has a sort of feisty air to her, she slams a few faces on a motorboat ride and looked natural doing it, also, she’s pretty hot — so she’s ranking pretty high right up until the point where Agent Fields shows up.

Two Bond womens? Uh oh…and I can’t remember what Aterton looks like. So on to grading the new girl. Well, she’s fairly attractive, with emphasis on FAIR, I’ve seen darker alabaster. And in the movie she…hmm…never moves at anything faster than a sashay and her best action move was waking up a set of stairs and tripping a man. That photo is also very Audrey Hepburn-esque, I like Hepburn, but I wouldn’t ever cast her as the ideal person to play a captured Indian princess teaming up with an enemy to repair the damage done by the Sands of Time.

Despair begins to set in.