TRAILER REVIEWS: The Ones Before “Terminator: Salvation”

It’s been awhile, but honestly, it’s been awhile since I saw a movie in theatres…

PUBLIC ENEMIES: C’mon! Johnny Depp playing 1930s gangster John Dillenger? How would I NOT want to see this? As much as I love Johnny Depp, I must say this: the older he gets, the more his agent/etc want to cast him as this whitey-white boy protagonist. And truth be told, the older he gets, the more Johnny Depp looks like what he is– a mostly Cherokee Indian! The most obvious bit was in Neverland– you couldn’t pay me to think that that man has one drop of Scottish blood in him.

DISTRICT 9: Hopefully they will keep the documentary-style camera work throughout the film, because that, honestly, would be GREAT. A sci-fi mvie done entirerly straight, just trying to be sociological about the subject matter, would be so refreshing. I will probably see this…depends on what I heat.

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN: Quite literally the worst CGI I’ve seen in 10 years. Good Lord.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS: For the love of everything Good and Holy. Brad Pitt, quite literally, looks like my grandfather did during his own WW2 years. I’ve never once thought Brad Pitt was attractive, but seeing him as Granpaw would remove all lingering doubts. What the FUCK is with that awful Southern accent!? Seriously, I think Quentin Tarantino is one of the most overrated directors on the planet. He’s a good screenwriter. Hell, I’d even say he’s a good actor! Just…please, do NOT give him the full reins to a movie. Ow.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: The first trailer, and the only one I hissed to Mah D00d, “If you like it or not, I am dragging you to see this”. C’MON– Robert Downey, Jr. as Sherlock, in a kicky Victorian wardrobe, sans clothing several times, engaged in a cage-fight, and directed by Guy Ritchie, post the soud-sucking Succubus that is Madonna?

How could I NOT see this!?!

One Last Terminator Note…

The T-800, the original Ah-Nald series Terminator, was sent back to destroy Sarah Connor on May 12, 1984.

I was born exactly one year later.

No wonder I love the series.

Terminator and the Feminine Mystique

So I went to see the latest instalment in the Terminator series this weekend. I have always been something of a Terminator fan: I saw/was traumatized by the first movie when I was about 5 (GREAT PARENTING THERE, Mom and Dad!) and saw T2 around middle school. I admit I skipped T3 (as did most of the movie-going world…shudder…) but I have a big soft spot for the first two movies, if only because they have a kick-ass female antagonist.

I’m 110% honest here: I consider the Terminator movies to be the first feminist action series.

Let’s face it, as much as I love action movies, they’re pretty weak when it comes to chicks. Women in action movies are mostly damsels in distress or femme fatales– there are damn few heroines in the genre, which is a fucking shame. Princess Leia probably kicked off the beginning of positive, kick-ass women in action movies, but really, she’s one of a very, very small minority.

This is why Sarah Connor is so important to the action movie genre. She’s presented to us as the stereotypical damsel-in-distress during the first parts of The Terminator, but Goddamn it, she realizes the danger she’s in, she reacts to it, and she does whatever the Hell she can do to stay alive– but at the same time she doesn’t sacrifice her femininity. She falls in love with and becomes impregnated with Kyle Reese, and she mourns his death as a true partner, and as a mother.

Sarah’s role throughout the series is as “the mother”– John Connor is supposed to be “the prophet”, and she mostly does not matter…supposedly. Take as many Mary/Jesus comparisons as you will. This, however, simply is not the case. Sarah is, in many ways, more important than John, and that is not just because biologically without her he would not exist. After the death of Kyle Reese, Sarah is literally the only person in the world who knows what will happen in the next 20-30 years. She must live with that burden and shoulder it as well as she can, while still raising a child who has no idea what the future will bring.

The Terminator series has always been a great example of positive female characters in the action genre. Terminator Salvation upholds this standard: Lt. Blair Williams (Moon Goodblood) does nothing more than share a tearful kiss with her beloved at the tail end of the movie. Otherwise, she is a strong, independant, take-no-shit-from-anyone kind of gal. She appreciates a helping hand, but doesn’t expect anyone to rescue her.

In my opinion, Sarah Connor ought to be considered the patron saint of Action Chicks. Being an action chick does not mean compromising your femininity. It does not mean you must pull a “Mulan” (sorry, Vicki!) and try to be what you are not. You can only be what you are, and if the odds come down to it…

Bitch, kick some ass.

I’ve got your back.

ETA: My wonderful boyfriend gave me his mint-in-box T2 Sarah Connor action figure (http://www.toywiz.com/mcfsarahhat.html) after I expressed how much I admired this character. I knew there was some reason I keep that boy around…

REVIEW: “The Running Man”

How do I love thee, Arnold Schwarzenegger? Lemme count the ways:

1) Your name is nearly unpronounceable, much less spell-able– yet I spelled it right the first time.

2) You’re the Gubernator of my (mostly) home state, and when you ran against Gray Davis it was the first year I was legally allowed to vote (although I admit I didn’t vote for you, since I knew you were going to win anyway…I voted for the sumo wrestler running against you. My God, it was a wonderful thing to be a Californian that year).

3) You starred in Last Action Hero, possibly the only movie my dad worked on that he liked working on.

3a) As a result of that movie, I have your autograph.

4) You starred in The Running Man.

REVIEW: “The Bank Job”

YES so I booked my own passage aboard the Failship. (Can I be the bosun? I always liked saying “bosun”…) My excuse is: I have one day a week when I’m not in grad school or at work. Life has a tendency to get in the way.

But now that I am back for the moment, let me speak of The Bank Job, a gloriously stupid heist flick that has two things immediately going for it:

1) It has Jason Statham in it

2) It is the only DVD I have ever seen that does not have a synopsis of the actual movie on the case….anywhere. Seriously! No summary on the back. No tagline. No nothing that lets you know what this movie is actually about. Although to be fair, if you’re renting a Jason Statham movie you kind of know what you’re in for. I love the man dearly, but it’s not like he does the works of Marlowe between shoot-em-up action flicks.

Aboard the Failship Forgetfulness

Sorry for the long hiatus! This time I actually have no excuse and only one mitigator: his name is House, M.D. For anyone who dares question the greatness of House there will be punishing blows and ear-rending cries. Let it be known. Do not question the greatness of House.  Moving on.

Two things got me off my ass and moving. One was a text from Susanna (who has also mysteriously disappeared from teh webz), the other, a blog review from Action Flick Chick. Perhaps some of my lethargy was due to the fact that our readers tend to ninja in and out leaving little to no trace of their visit. Please! Leave a comment! It makes us feel read and appreciated. Being read and appreciated makes us happy, and being happy makes us watch more movies and belittle the crap out of them! Its a strange cycle, I know.

During one of our physical visits (that sounds a little like a conjugal visit, doesn’t it?), Susanna mentioned seeing the movie “I Am Legend”. I returned, “I read a book called ‘I Am Legend’”! And thus began horrific conversation in which we discovered one was based on the other. To this day I have not seen the movie, and I believe that Susanna has likewise not read the book. Now, I would like to ask anyone who still keeps up with this blog to provide some input.

Would anyone be interested in the gist of our conversation? I’m sure that we could put something together to public ally display our bewildered confusion develop into horrified discovery? OR

Would anyone be interested in forcing me to watch this movie so that my mind will force my eyes to bleed in denial of the mutilation this story? OR

Would everyone yell at us to get on with reviewing action movies like the blog says we do?

Prince of Persia: pre-pre-preview

Yeah, yeah, I’ve been missing for a while, but I have a good reason! I’ve been dodging responsibility, er I mean, traveling, till mmm… about 3 days ago, when I returned home to find a great pile of things that need a good fixin’ that were waiting for me. Therefore, I must be excused for being lax in my duties.

So in honor of my journey, I am here today to discuss “Prince of Persia: Sands of Time”. Okay, it has less to do with my journey than the fact that PoP: SoT was one of the BEST GAMES EVAR (honestly, it was spectacular in balancing all the facets of gameplay, plotline, fighting and puzzles, and character development), and I have a mad crush on the Prince.

Also, I didn’t get to go to Iran.

/Bitterness

So here we go:

REVIEW: Dark City: The Director’s Cut

(I admit, I chose this flick for one very, very important reason:

I am f*cking obsessed with this movie.

This has been my favorite movie since it came out in 1998– let’s face it, something has to be daaaamn good for someone to have as her favorite movie for ten years straight. Be prepared for unrestrained gushing. This is my unabashed fangirl moment. -S)

For the uninitiated, Dark City was a sci-fi tour-de-force (as they say) that had three strikes against it:

1) It was marketed as a humanistic drama

2) It came out right after Titanic

3) and a few months before The Matrix

Dark City suffers from constant comparisons to The Matrix, in part due to the subject matter and also due to the unfortunate releasing schedule. As I recall, Dark City lasted only a couple of months in theaters. I, at 13, had no interest in seeing it, simply because my mother wanted to see it. WHY she wanted to, I have no idea. She doesn’t even remember it came out in the first place. So, I allowed my mother to drag me, kicking and screaming, to this movie where the major plot point was– as far as I knew– that everyone dressed like the 1940s. YAWN.

Boy, was I in for a surprise.

REVIEW: “Tropic Thunder”

(Sorry for the lack of updates. Vicki is on foreign shores– go go no-idea-what-I’m-doing-after-graduation! – and I’m…well, cheap, as has been explained. – S)

I figure that the reasoning behind the recent Tropic Thunder essentially boils down to the classic “Let’s put on a show!” mentality of 1930s cinema. Director Ben Stiller seems to have culled nearly everyone– and I mean everyone– he has ever met into appearing in this movie. I am not a Ben Stiller fan. Aside from Zoolander, I’m actually not sure if I’ve ever seen him in anything, period. I have a vague recolection that I saw There’s Something About Mary and The Royal Tennenbaums, but honestly, I can’t be certain. That, and the fact that I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anything with Jack Black in it either, led me to believe I wouldn’t really enjoy this movie. Had it not been for the promise of Robert Downey Jr.,  I’m not sure I would have seen it at all…

Ladies and gents, I was so, so, VERY wrong about that opinion.

Oh, wait, crap.

Fuck! Ok, closer anyway…

THEEEERE we go!

Blog Stats = Amusement

So for shits-n-giggles (and really, if you don’t use that term regularly? Start doing so now) I looked up Arterial Spray’s blog stats– specifically the keyword searches. Apparently Google (or whatever) has decided that if you want to find our humble blog, these are the best words to type into your box:

amy smart naked pics (I’m shocked! What makes you perverts think that we would show Amy Smart with her breasts exposed, nipple out for all to see, on our virtuous blog?! May I remind the readership that one authoress is Catholic, while the other is undoubtedly some Chinese philosophical religion that rejects such things as Amy Smart’s breasts?!)

does forbidden kingdom have subtitles? (Spoken like a true American. I salute thee, brothers!)

speed racer, brotherhood (why am I picturing David Carradine here?)

movie (Dude. Really? And more than one person used this as their keyword. Dude. Really?)

film crank 2 (OK, boy, can I relate here!)

crank 2 (77 searches?! Ok, wait, there are people on the Intaweb that are more excited about Crank 2 than I? IMPOSSIBLE. I need to meet all of you. NOW.)

forbidden kingdom white guy (Vicki, you just forgot the name of our site, didn’t you?)

sexxxy (ok, wait…of ALL the sites Google could have directed you to for this search, it sent you to an action movie blog in which two chicks titter over Edward Norton side-butt?!?…wow. Although Vicki and I would both agree Edward Norton side-butt is DAMN ’sexxxy’. In other news…please, please, PLEASE learn how to spell correctly.)

crank amy smart (I’m sensing a trend)

pics of zombies feeding on girls (you have us confused with a fetish site, I’m afraid. But points on properly using ‘feeding’ as a verb!)

coreyhaim (dude, NO. Yes, I know he’s in Crank 2. With a mullet. And what appears to be a Bacardi Rum tattoo. Still…NO.)

And the number 1 (with 92 queries!) keyword search?

jason statham

Whoever you 92 people are, I think I love you.

Oh, if for whatever reason I end up posting here more than Vicki? She has an excuse…she’s in Taiwan (land of her heritage! Home of…well, Vicki’s relatives as far as I know. And smog. That’s about it, until Vicki corrects me rightly for totally bashing her homeland) for an internship. Y’know, actually doing stuff after she graduated. Pah! But Vicki? This means you have to review at least ONE Taiwanese/Chinese action film that you KNOW will not be released state-side. You’re there for two months! Are you telling me you won’t see at least ONE?! PAH, I say!

Or you have to get me a yurt during your Mongolian travels.

The deal’s on the table.