REVIEW: “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”

Once again, lured into theaters by the promise of action stars of my youth taking a good thrashing on screen, I bring you the fourth movie in the Indiana Jones series. My general rule is that I try to avoid spoilers on movies still in theaters and that I would recommend seeing, but this is a film that is difficult to review without giving at least something away. Therefore, there may be spoilers ahead. Hint: just look at the poster.)

TRAILER REVIEWS: Ones Playing in Front of “Iron Man”

(My first relevant post after a long haitus! Go me. – S)

I finally went to see Iron Man. Iron Man now rocks my socks. I want a gigantic totally-inefficient-use-of-allocation-of-government-resources suit! The fact that I have had a crush on Robert Downey Jr since I was 6 helps. Mmmmmmmm.

Anyway.

Since Vicki already gave us a review of that movie, I’ll be reviewing something else: the trailers playing in front of it!

1) The Incredible Hulk– wow, I actually want to go see this! I can buy Edward Norton as a nerdy scientist on the run MUCH better than Eric Bana, best known before Hulk for playing a  psychopathic Australian murderer who cut off his own ears to get a better jail sentence.  Nerd power! Apparently everyone is just pretending the first one never happened (which really is a good idea for everyone, from the director to the stars to the caterer…) I was working at a one-screen theater (the Arlington if anyone is in Santa Barbara) when the Hulk came out, and that movie held the record for lowest number of ticket sales that year, beating out even Gods and Generals, a Civil War epic with an intermission that was only watched by Civil War reinactors in full costume. No, I’m not kidding. Pity “served popcorn to Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln” can never go on my resume…

2) You Don’t Mess With The Zohan– My dad chuckled. It seems chuckle-worthy, and yet very…very…very…okay, lets just say “see this if you’re drunk with friends, on DVD”. Otherwise, I really don’t know what to say.

3) The Love Guru– Hey kids! If you feel compelled to watch every single Mike Myers film ever created, regardless of plot, quality, or performance…uh, well, then I feel very, very sorry for you, and recommend you see this on DVD, you poor fool.

4) Sex and the City– Seriously. I have no idea why this trailer was tacked onto Iron Man. Having lived in NYC and been subjected to roughly 80000000 Sarah Jessica Parker wannabes (if you are sitting next to me in a bar and you order a Cosmopolitan, I will CUT YOU), I will not be seeing this, junior-high crush on Chris Noth notwithstanding (have you SEEN Law & Order from his time? Oh, I do love me some gruff conflicted heroes with tragic pasts…)

5) Wanted– I confess that I have never seen an Angelina Jolie movie in my life and on the whole find both her and Brad Pitt thoroughly annoying and unattractive, but I think I’ll have to see this. Depends on the romance factor. Only thing I can find serious fault with from the trailer is that the effects artists seem to be under the mentality that Bullet Time is the epitome of action and must be used at EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY.

6) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull– honestly I was a bit underwhelmed, but I’ve never been much of an Indy girl. I don’t really do the adventure genre. Too much exposition, not enough explosions.

I end on this note, to justify my childhood Robert Downey Jr lust:

Oh, thank you, Iron Man, for seeing fit to put him in tight tank tops…a LOT.

Ah, CRAPOLA (thank you Mom, for teaching me that word at age 5…)

Yes, I realize I didn’t watch or review or anything this weekend, and I’m sorry for it. My parents just moved to Savannah, Georgia two or so months ago and I just moved a WEEK ago after 4 years away from home, so this entire weekend was spent cleaning, unpacking, tossing stuff, etc. And, spraining my ankle. Severely. So severely that last night I was unable to put ANY pressure whatsoever on it, I was leaning on a wall and hopping for most of the day, and if my mother wasn’t a former nursing student/school nurse I probably wouldn’t be able to walk at ALL today. (As is– Ace bangages and Aleve are my new best friends. And chardonnay.)

SO– I will do something this week. I promise promise promise! I’m starting my job tomorrow but I WILL carve time out this week and I WILL watch and I WILL review a movie. Swear to God! Even if it’s something I’ve seen before, but I promise the stuff I own is generally so weird you MIGHT not have watched it before.

At the very least, I watched some action-ish TV in the past couple of weeks! (Yes, this sounds pathetic to you, but I have not have TV access in over a year. It’s some exotic medium to me. Moving pictures! On a box! America isz VUNDARFAL!).

– Medical Mysteries and Mystery Diagnosis (it’s a thriller! Really!)

– Big Medicine (graphic surgery footage!)

– The Weather Channel (shuddit! Storm Stories and When Weather Changed History)

- DIRTY JOBS!!!!!!! YESSS!!! Oh, Mike Rowe, how I missed thee! (Vicki, you surely remember those glorious evenings in St. Augustine when the night was young, the moon was high, and there was both a Dirty Jobs AND Mythbusters marathon?)

In totally unrealted news, anyone heard the song “Moon River”? By Johnny Mercer? He’s a Savannah boy, and I crossed Moon River today. Ladies and gents, it is not “wider than a mile”. Nor is it exactly a river. I guess “Moon Marshy Swampland Possibly Wider Than a Half Mile During Flood Season” doesn’t rhyme.

– Susana

(PS: No crap about me/my family living in Georgia, please. We’ve heard it, we’re tired of it. we’re Southern so it’s kinda insulting, and we’ve been trying to move here for 6 years. So, PLEASE. I’ve lived in LA, NYC, Paris, and San Francisco, and yes, I desire to spend the rest of my life in semi-rural Georgia. Read Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. That’s Savannah. I love it here.)

Sorry for Susana’s Lack O’Postings

I have good excuses!

1) I just had finals and graduated college. Like, the day before yesterday.

2) I just moved out of my apartment in NYC. The day before yesterday.

3) I just moved into my parents house in Savannah, GA. Like, three hours ago. My butt, tis numb. I think I might have left it in Roanoke.

4) I have a job interview. Tomorrow afternoon. That was fast.

But I promised Vicki I would review a movie this weekend, and damn it, I could use a mindless spot of blow-em-up entertainment! I’m thinking it’ll be an older (70s or 80s) flick but I haven’t yet decided…you’ll just have to wait on bated breath. (Anyone else think ‘bated breath’ sounds like you haven’t brushed your teeth in weeks? Discuss.)

Thank you Vicki for updating!

– S

REVIEW: “Speed Racer”

(“Speed Racer”, simultaneously a great icon of 60s animation, while a not-so-great icon of quality in animation history. For a movie based on a cartoon made in the sixties about a boy who races cars to change the world and save his family, I’d say this film adaptation is damn good. Given the original material, “Speed Racer” far exceeded expectations. I saw it twice. -v)

REVIEW: “Forbidden Kingdom”

(This is a movie that stars Jet Li and Jackie Chan. The two biggest martial arts movie stars to come out of the orient in the last 30 years. Together. Does it honestly matter what the movie is about? Please, people, let us all admit that we’re all here to see one thing — SHOWDOWN! -v)

Zombies, And the Girls Who Love Them

Susana, despite her determination to change her subject matter, continues to draw them.
I, despite my attempts at normal conversation, consistently reroute topics to include them.

To see the stimulus for this post, scroll to the bottom to “continue reading”.

For your 2008 Viewing Pleasure, I present: Zombie Releases of the Impending Future

Diary of the Dead – May 6 (limited)
- Film Fest viewing, disappointment at Romero. So-so, not worth the hype.

Day of the Dead – April 8
- Direct to video, re-imagining/remake. Reserving judgment.

Zombie Strippers – April 18
- Jenna Jameson. This is only here for the WTF factor. They actually made a trailer. YOU go look for it.

Invasion of the Not Quite Dead – “Summer 2008 UK”
- Zombie alien plague. ‘Nough said.

Quarantine – October 17
- Reporter and co, trapped in quarantined building with zombie lady. I fear yet another 1st person cam.

Dance of the Dead – October 20
- Horror comedy in which high school losers save prom from zombies.

Dead Air – “Winter 2008″
- Radio crew trapped in middle of zombie outbreak, receiving your calls.

Thank you, wiki. When all else fails, someone(s) will have compiled you a list.

This post is brought to you by UCSB, and their summer session class debut:
Comp. Lit. 186A Interdisciplinary Studies: Zombies

“Crank 2″ Pictures!

(Vicki refuses to see “Crank 2″. This should give you an idea of how truly awful the first one was. I’m still going opening day. Jason Statham is teh sexxxy– S.)

REVIEW: “Iron Man”

(Arterial Spray’s first original review! This is exciting! Here we go! Word at the comic store on Weds was that since the filming dates of “Iron Man”and “The Incredible Hulk” were so close, they both have cameo appearances in each other’s self titled films. So If you go to see the movie, keep an eye out for Edward Norton, no one I know has spotted him yet, but we’re still trying. -v)

Upcoming DVD Releases for May

A sampling of some of the goodies we’ll be getting…

MAY 6th

The Car

Twister (Special Edition)

MAY 13th

Indiana Jones Adventure Collection (contains Raiders of the Lost Ark, the Last Crusade, and the Temple of Doom)

Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid

Marvel Heroes Collection: Daredevil, Elektra, X-Men, X2, X-Men 3: The Last Stand, Fantastic Four & Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Mission: Impossible Season 4

MAY 20th

National Treasure (Blu-Ray Edition)

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets

The Flock

James Stewart: The Western Collection

MAY 27th

Rambo (regular edition, special edition, complete collectors cut)